I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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