worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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