I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
