I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
BRING THE BAGELS
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
