We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
