Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
