At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
