White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
