I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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