Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
