I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Randomize
