Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
