So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
