I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
