oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
