Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He felt like a one man threesome
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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