I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
