If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
