I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
