Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
