"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
