Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
