he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
