I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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