This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
