there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
you had me at cake vodka
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
