We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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