I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
the condom got lost in my hair
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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