i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Just invented taco cereal.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
