I think I won the penis lottery.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
