I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
