You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
oh good, I think they're gone
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
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just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
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Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude