Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
