Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night