your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
