So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
