there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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