Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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