I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
