he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
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