fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
