woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
