I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
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