I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
My penis needs a shock collar
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
