you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
