is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
