I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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