im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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