I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
