you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Rumble strips road head = magical
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
