I am puke
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
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Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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