I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
