Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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