I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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