you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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