soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
