My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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