i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
