listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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