My liver just broke up with me...
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
