got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
