Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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